


How it Hurts

by blostmax



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, I'll try and add tags along the way, Insecure John, John is oblivious, M/M, Panic Attacks, Slow Burn, during 70s, they all live together
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-18
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2019-11-24 03:02:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18160640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blostmax/pseuds/blostmax
Summary: During the first day of Queen’s time off for the summer, John Deacon decides that he can no longer hide the fact that he is in love with one of his bandmates. He just has to find the courage to tell him.“Play like you’re playing just for me.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, so this is the first fic I've ever written and I'm not sure if I'm any good at it. It was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be but I've actually enjoyed writing it much more than I thought I would. If anyone does read it, please be as honest as you like to how it is :)
> 
> Title is taken from the song It's a Hard Life because I honestly can't express how much I love that song and the video.

It was the first day back at home after finishing the tour of Queen’s third album, _Sheer Heart Attack_ , when John Deacon came to the realisation that he could no longer hide the fact that he was in love with one of his bandmates. There was nothing special happening the day John had this sudden epiphany, in fact, it was a fairly ordinary morning that was spent at the flat he shared with the rest of his bandmates, Freddie, Brian and Roger.

It was their first day back at home and the members of Queen could relax after finishing the tour of the album that had achieved the success the band had always craved. Finally, the long and exhausting hours put into the music had finally paid off, the album had reached number two in the charts and people were slowly starting to seriously acknowledge Queen as a band.

Additionally, the band had finally negotiated their way out of the contract they previously had with their management, meaning they’d finally start to see the money that had previously been denied to them. 

On that first morning back home, John awoke early, his body not yet accustomed to the time difference now that they were back in London. He lay in his bed and listened to the heavy rain against his window, feeling an overwhelming feeling of contentment to be back in his own room alone with his thoughts. It was increasingly rare these days that John was by himself and he found himself relishing in the quietness of his bedroom. 

As he lay under the covers, John reflected on how chaotic life was on tour. There was rarely a quiet moment and they were frequently being introduced to a variety of people that management deemed important. John knew he was the least exciting member of Queen, aware that he often felt the need to be alone after spending long periods of time with other people, often feeling exhausted after conversing with strangers. However, that didn’t mean he hated talking to other people, he just found it difficult to communicate with those he didn’t know well. 

John smiled to himself as he thought about how lucky he was for having his bandmates, who after four years John felt truly comfortable around them to be himself in their company. He remembered how upon accepting the offer of being the bassist of Queen, he initially felt like an intruder joining an already close knit family. 

This was a feeling that was immediately dissolved due to Freddie, Roger and Brian pulling him into an enthusiastic group hug that ended with all of them on the floor.

Knowing that he wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep, John eventually pulled himself out of bed and quietly headed to the kitchen, not wanting to wake up anyone else so early. Luckily, they had stocked up on their way home, so John was able to make himself a coffee, which he started to drink after sitting down on the brown sofa in the adjoining living room, the very sofa that Freddie refused to sit on because he thought it to be simply hideous. 

Drinking his coffee, John enjoyed the rare tranquil atmosphere inside the flat that was further heightened due to the sound of the rain getting even heavier.

Again, John found himself smiling at how contented he felt, so deeply lost in his own thoughts that he didn’t hear Roger enter the living room, who like John, was finding it difficult to adjust back to a normal sleeping pattern and had left his room to follow the strong smell of coffee. 

“What are you smiling about?” Roger asked with an amused smile, breaking the quiet atmosphere causing John to jump with surprise and spill the mug of coffee in his hand onto his bare legs. John muttered a low curse of pain and felt his face grow warmer as he looked up to see Roger grinning.

“Morning to you too John” Roger chuckled, helping himself to some coffee in the kitchen.

Since the first time John Deacon had met Roger Taylor, the younger man knew straight away he was in trouble. The drummer looked like a walking fantasy and unlike John, was the perfect embodiment of a rock star. After four years, John’s feelings of longing towards his bandmate showed no signs of fading. He still felt a nervous fluttering in his stomach whenever Roger smiled at him like he was the only person he wanted to see. 

“You’re up early” John quietly stated, counting himself lucky that he got to see Roger like this, his long blonde hair disheveled in a way that could only be described as endearing.

“I know, it’s shit” Roger replied, making his way over to sit on the opposite side of the sofa. 

There was a few minutes of silence before either of the two spoke again, both enjoying their coffee with the relaxing sound of the rain outside. That was just one of the things that John liked about Roger, he never felt forced to talk in his company. John found the other man’s presence calming, which John knew to be absurd considering Roger was a drummer who radiated confidence and thrived off loud noise. 

“You happy to be home?” Roger said quietly, after letting out a yawn.

“Yeah I really am” John answered, speaking with the same quietness.

“Me too. We’ve got the whole summer to do whatever we like.”

“You do whatever you like anyway Rog” John replied teasingly, feeling goosebumps rise on his skin as a result of Roger playfully pushing John’s arm with his outstretched hand.

“I can’t wait to get back in the studio though” Roger replied, his voice getting more animated. “Our next album will be even bigger than the last one I know it.”

“Hm,” John gave a small noise of agreement. He knew the next album would probably be bigger than the previous, especially considering they now had a bigger following of rather devoted fans waiting to see what they’d do next.

“Don’t sound too excited,” Roger let out a low chuckle.

“No I am excited I’m just- I’m worried,” John mumbled in response.

“Worried about what?” Roger enquired, with an almost gentle tone, a tone that John was unable to ignore.

“I don’t know. Just- we’re more popular now aren’t we. More people will be coming to see us and I’m worried I won’t be- I won’t be enough. I’ll mess up in front of all those people and it will be my fault.”

John couldn’t deny how it felt slightly satisfying to be able to talk about what was worrying him. He braced himself for Roger’s response but after a few moments became uncomfortably aware that the other man was answering with nothing but prolonged silence.

John silently panicked that he’d said the wrong thing. Most likely, he had irritated the drummer with his admission. Roger probably didn’t want to hear any whining about the band’s success, especially considering all the hard work they’d all put themselves through to get where they were. Or, maybe Roger was just simply sick of listening to John’s whining and had chosen to ignore his statement altogether.

Sneaking a quick glance at the other man, John observed that Roger didn’t appear to be angry, but rather was looking at John with a look of deep concentration on his face. It was a look that John had become accustomed to seeing in studio sessions, or the occasions when Roger was trying to think of the right words for a song.

“Do you remember the first gig we all played together as a band?” Roger eventually asked, ending John’s inner turmoil. 

John nodded, turning his head to fully return the other man’s stare.

“Do you remember what I said to you right before we went on?”

John vividly remembered the night Roger was referring to. It was only a small gig, nothing too substantial as they were still getting used to playing together as a band. Just before they were about to go on stage for the first time, John had started to panic. He remembered feeling like he couldn’t breathe, and he remembered the way his hands had shaken so much that he was worried he wouldn’t be able to play.

Roger was the first to notice the way John was frantically pacing back and forth, trying to regain control of his breathing. Roger had gently guided him to one side before Freddie and Brian saw him. John recalled how Roger had placed his hands on John’s shoulders and had spoken to him calmly with an authoritative tone that John found himself listening to attentively.

_“It’s going to be okay John. You’re just having a little stage fright but once you’re out there you’ll be fine okay?” Roger stated, his eyes fixed intently on John’s face, not moving his hands from where they rested on John’s shoulders._

_“How- how many are out there?” John whispered._

_“Forget about how many people are here. It’s just the four of us up there on that stage, right? Up there it will always be the four of us together doing what we love to fucking do. Just like in rehearsals. There’s four of us up there together and you’re not on your own.”_

_“If I- if i feel them looking at me Rog-”_

_“If they look at you it will only be because you’re fucking amazing at playing the bass okay? But don’t look at them if you can’t. Just focus on your hands or just look at me if you have to. Look at me and play like you’re playing just for me.”_

John smiled fondly recalling the memory. He would always remember the way Roger had gently squeezed his shoulders, the way he had waited patiently for John to calm down before walking back with him to the others. 

That gig, John had listened to Roger’s advice and ignored the feeling of various eyes on him. He focused instead on the way his own fingers moved and he focused on Freddie’s singing and the way he moved instinctively around the stage. He focused on Brian, who played passionately like he was born for it. He focused most of all on Roger, who relished in the noise of the crowd and grinned at John like he was proud of him. John hoped that Roger knew he was playing just for him.

Aware that Roger was waiting for his response, John licked his lips and quietly replied, “You told me that it was just the four of us together on the stage. That I wasn’t on my own.” 

Roger smiled. “Exactly. No matter how big we are or how big the crowds get, it won’t change the fact that it will always be the four of us doing it together John.”

John analysed Roger’s face, from his small smile aimed at John and the way his hair was sat on his shoulders and John found that he couldn’t stop himself from speaking. 

“You -” John whispered, glancing down at hands to avoid Roger’s gaze, knowing that he was probably going too far. 

“Hm?” Roger asked, his full attention on John.

“You also told me to play like I was playing just for you.” He said this so quietly he wasn’t sure if Roger would be able to hear him. He wondered if Roger could hear the pounding of his heart that was more pronounced in the silence of the room.

“And did you?” Roger asked. John couldn’t tell if the drummer was teasing him or if he was genuinely curious.

John looked up and found Roger returning his stare. He wondered if Roger possibly knew how he felt about him.

Could he tell right now? John knew his face was probably betraying him, aware that his cheeks were likely to be glowing. John thought he had managed to conceal his longing quite well over the years, he was good at hiding how he felt.

But in this moment, with the other man staring at him intensely from where he was sat on the opposite side of the sofa, John wondered for the first time about what would happen if he finally revealed his true feelings. He found he couldn’t stop himself looking at every inch of Roger’s face, his gaze drawn to the way the other man was biting his bottom lip. Maybe if he moved a bit closer…

“Morning lovies!” Freddie suddenly declared from the kitchen, clapping his hands and ending whatever moment was happening in John’s head. John jumped in surprise for the second time that morning, but luckily managed not to scald any more of his skin.

“This looks like a very serious conversation” Freddie continued with his hands on his hips, “What are we speaking about?”

“How we hate how enthusiastic you are in the morning” Roger quickly replied, his smile betraying any attempt of pretend annoyance at the singer. 

Was it John’s imagination or were Roger’s cheeks slightly flushed?

“One of us has to be Roger dear”. The two men watched as Freddie threw himself onto the single chair in the corner of the room, but not before turning on the radio that resided in the kitchen, filling the room with music and officially ending the quiet atmosphere.

“I can’t sleep. I feel like I should be doing something” Freddie said, wringing his hands to give himself something to do.

“It’s the first morning back home Fred” John pointed out with amusement, well aware of his friend’s incapability of relaxing by simply doing nothing.

It was that moment that Brian entered the room rubbing his eyes, his curls chaotically framed around his face.

“Morning Brian!” Fred loudly greeted.

“Who put the radio on?” Brian murmured.

“Oh it was Roger dear” Freddie quickly replied with a nonchalant smile.

Brian quickly shot Roger an annoyed look, mostly due to the fact that Brian rarely slept due to his insomnia, and anyone who woke him often had to fear the guitarist’s wrath. 

Roger shot Freddie a glare, he’d been subjected to a sleep deprived Brian and it was quite frankly a terrifying experience. 

“Brian do you really think I’d be sat here listening to music this early in the morning out of choice?” he pointed out. “Besides, John can prove my innocence can’t you John?”

“I didn’t see anything” John innocently replied, smiling in amusement at hearing Roger’s outraged gasp. 

“John how could you!” Roger exclaimed, dramatically placing his hands over his heart in mock outrage.

Freddie shot John a proud smile. 

“Anyway you’re awake now dear you know you won’t be getting to sleep any time soon” Freddie pointed out, “Help us figure out what to do for the rest of the day instead.”

Brian gave a huff of annoyance and made his way into the kitchen for coffee, ignoring the singer and the rest of his bandmates. When he returned, he wordlessly threw himself in the middle of the sofa between Roger and John.

“We’ll have to do something to make the time fly away. Any ideas?” Freddie continued.

“We could play a game of Scrabble?” John suggested, well aware that Freddie found the game stimulating. 

“No I know! Why don’t we all go out tonight?” Roger interjected excitedly. “There’s that new club that’s only five minutes away from here, you know the one in the paper.”

“That sounds perfect!” Freddie stood up and clapped his hands. “We’ve not been out together in ages!”

“Great!” Roger beamed and slowly turned to Brian, “You in?”

Brian glared at him and took an exaggerated sip of his coffee. 

Roger rolled his eyes, “Cmon Bri, sleep deprived or not we’ve just come off a tour for an album that reached fucking number two in the charts and we’ve got a month off before recording another one. We deserve to celebrate and you know it.”

Breaking his annoyed pretence, Brian smiled, unable to deny how proud he was that they had finally started to get somewhere with their music. He knew they all deserved to enjoy their summer. “Fine I’m in but I’m sleeping for the rest of the month and if you-”

“Fine- deal!” Roger quickly cut in. Suddenly, John felt his heart skip a beat as Roger’s hand reached around Brian to gently squeeze his shoulder.

“John, are you in?” 

_How could he say no?_ “I’m in Rog” John responded, smiling at the delighted outbursts from both Roger and Freddie. Brian turned to John, giving him an amused grin.

Although it was only the first day back, John found himself wanting to go. Maybe a night out together would be good for him. Maybe, tonight was finally the night that John would reveal to Roger that he was in love with him once and for all.

If the rest of the summer had any moments like the one John thinks he and Roger had before Freddie entered the room, John believed he wouldn’t be able to hide his feelings any longer even if he wanted to.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again! Thank you so much to anyone that commented/left kudos on the first chapter! I actually felt really terrified putting this up for the first time so reading all the nice words made me really happy :) 
> 
> Just want to point out before you read, this fic will have a happy ending, I pinki promise! And again, please feel free to be as honest as you like in the comments/point out on things that maybe bothered you so I can try and improve in them :) Thank you!

"You can’t just make up new words Fred!” Roger shouted.

“Says who?” Freddie challenged, raising his eyebrows.

“Can we carry on?” Brian replied, becoming exasperated.

After spending the rest of the morning enthusiastically discussing their plans for the night, Freddie had quickly become deflated upon realising the group still had the rest of the day free.

Consequently, at Freddie’s insistence, for the past hour and a half they had all been playing a rather intense game of Scrabble. John usually liked playing with Freddie on his own, well aware that the four of them playing together was usually a recipe for disaster. 

John frequently found himself biting the insides of his cheeks in an attempt to stop himself laughing. He couldn’t help but be amused, and slightly endeared, at the genuine and passionate outrage Roger was conveying over a simple word game.

“I’m not playing if he’s going to cheat!” Roger angrily stated, pointing towards the board.

“It doesn’t matter now anyway I’ve won dear” Freddie concluded, standing up and leaving the other three remaining sat at the table in silence.

“Well” John eventually declared, “that was entertaining.”

He didn’t stop himself from grinning at the annoyed scowl Roger sent his way.

 

* * *

  


Not long before they were due to leave for the night, John found himself rooting through his clothes trying to find something appropriate to wear.

John wondered what was going to happen during the night ahead. He’d decided during the day that if he was actually going to find the courage to say something to Roger, it wouldn’t be tonight. Although it seemed like a good idea this morning, John didn’t want to finally reveal to Roger that he was in love with him whilst he was drunk. He wanted it to be real.

He eventually settled on a long sleeved sequined black shirt that Freddie had given to him one night to wear on stage. John remembered the first time he wore it, how Freddie had told him that the sequins all over the front of the shirt had reflected the light, making John appear as if he was shining on stage. He tried to imagine what Roger would think about him wearing it.

Leaving his room at the time they’d all agreed on, John found Brian and Roger stood waiting at the front door of the flat. John couldn’t help but run his eyes fondly over Roger’s body, noticing that under his leather jacket, the light blue shirt he was wearing matched his eyes perfectly. John felt himself grow warm all over when Roger gave John a quick grin in acknowledgment, one that John quickly found himself returning. 

“So where is this club then Rog?” Brian asked, opening the door so they could wait outside for Freddie.

Luckily, it had stopped raining by now, but it was unusually cold and there was a strong force of wind that had Brian rearranging his curls so they were out of his face.

“I’m not actually sure to be honest” Roger admitted, “I know it’s really close though.”

“Lucky for us I know then” Freddie appeared, quickly slamming the front door behind him and starting to walk. As it was dark and Freddie was the only one who actually knew where he was going, the rest of the band found themselves walking briskly trying to keep up with him. Freddie was walking at a pace that John knew you either kept up with or you found yourself falling behind.

“Roger you said this place was new didn’t you, what if they don’t even let us in?” John rushed out, trying to catch his breath. 

“Oh they’ll let us in” Freddie retorted confidently, no doubt in his mind. John wished he shared the singer’s confidence. 

Eventually, in what appeared like no time at all, likely due to Freddie’s hastiness, they all turned onto a busy street and heard the booming sound of music coming from the inside of the club. Outside, there was a large number of people waiting in line to be allowed entry into the unmistakably newly opened club. 

Wondering how long it would take for them to get in, John started to walk to the back of the line. He was halfway there when he heard Freddie enthusiastically talking to the tall man stood in front of the entrance door. To John’s surprise, it didn’t take long for the doorman to stand towards the side, inviting Freddie in as if he was an old friend.

“John where are you going!” Freddie called out, waving his hand for the younger man to follow him inside.

“Hold on, you’ve just had us fucking running the entire way here I need a smoke!” Roger breathed out as he stood by the door.

“You can smoke inside dear” Freddie pointed out.

“No I need some air, you go in and find us somewhere to sit” Roger replied. He quickly turned towards John and asked, “Will you wait with me for a sec?”

“Sure,” John found himself replying.

“Don’t be too long guys” Brian said, before he and Freddie made their way inside, leaving John and Roger stood standing alone at the side of the entrance. 

John rubbed his hands together, starting to feel the coldness of the night now that they had stopped walking. He watched as Roger lit up and started to smoke, routinely bringing the cigarette to his lips to inhale deeply.

“I really need to get shitfaced” Roger said, lifting his head to let out a small cloud of smoke. 

Noticing John’s failed attempts at warming himself up, he continued, “You don’t have to stay out here if you don’t want to, I won’t be long.”

“Roger, it’s fine I don’t mind being with you” John answered, cringing upon realising what he had just said. He quickly corrected himself, “I mean- I don’t mind waiting with you it’s fine really.” 

John cursed himself internally. _Could he be any more obvious?_

Roger let out a low chuckle and lifted up the cigarette to his mouth again, looking over at John, who had begun to shiver slightly.

“Freddie gave you that shirt didn’t he?” Roger asked, his expression softening slightly as he scanned John’s current attire.

“Yeah” John answered, his breath catching in his throat when Roger lifted up his hand to the collar of his shirt, his fingers brushing over some of the sequins that were erratically placed there. 

John swallowed nervously, unable to ignore that through his shirt, he could feel the slight warmth that was radiating from Roger’s hand as he gently touched the material.

“You look good” Roger quietly declared, his blue eyes now looking up and resting on John’s face. 

John felt exposed, feeling overwhelmed as he returned the other man’s stare. He wasn’t cold anymore, instead feeling as though his skin was burning. He wanted to tell Roger that he looked devastatingly captivating, that John wanted nothing more than to run his hands through Roger’s hair and feel the other man’s lips on his skin. 

He opened his mouth, not knowing what he was about to say, “You-” 

“Excuse me, you’re Roger from Queen aren’t you?,” a loud voice beside them suddenly interjected.

John jumped, feeling slightly deflated as he turned towards the voice and was faced with a girl with strikingly black hair and another girl, presumably her friend, stood at her side. John quickly observed that both of them were beaming at Roger with ecstatic grins.

“That’s me,” Roger smiled, his hand dropping from John’s collar.

“Hi Roger” said the girl with black hair, causing her friend beside her to giggle slightly. “I’m Sarah and this is Maria. We just wanted to say we were at one of your gigs in Manchester last year and we think you’re really talented”. 

“Yeah truly we love Queen”, her friend Maria cut in, “we couldn’t stop talking about you after- the way you all played I mean.”

“Thank you both very much” Roger said politely, blowing out smoke casually from the corner of his mouth.

John was aware of the fact that the two girls weren’t acknowledging him, their attention focused intently on Roger alone. He couldn’t blame them though, when compared to John, Roger was the epitome of a rock star. John wondered if they even recognised him at all. He didn’t think it bothered him that much. 

However, he couldn’t deny it felt slightly awkward standing there, feeling as though he was an unwelcome presence intruding upon the conversation. With that thought, John decided that he should probably go in and find the others alone and wait for Roger inside. 

John was discreetly trying to edge his way towards the entrance door when he abruptly felt Roger put his arm around his shoulders, dragging him back to Roger’s side.

“Anyway Roger we was wondering if-”

“This is John Deacon by the way, as you must already know” Roger cut in, his arm casually resting on John’s shoulders.

John didn’t think he’d be able to survive the rest of the night if Roger kept touching him. John was all too aware of the fact that if he leaned his head slightly to the side, he would be able to feel Roger’s hand brush against his cheek. 

“Oh yeah- erm hi John,” the two girls both gave John a quick, awkward smile of acknowledgement.

“Hi” John responded, giving them a polite smile in return.

Quickly returning her gaze back to the drummer, the girl named Maria continued, “Anyway, we was wondering if we could buy you a drink inside?”

“You’re alright love, we’ve got people waiting for us inside” Roger answered, before he quickly threw away his cigarette and guided John gently towards the entrance.

“Nice meeting you though!” Roger called behind him. John was disappointed when he felt Roger’s arm slip off his shoulders as he pushed through the door to enter.

Inside, the club was lowly lit, the only source of light being the multi coloured lights hanging from the high ceiling. John felt the blaring of the loud music and saw that the dance floor was filled with a vast amount of people , some dancing closely intertwined as if they were fused together.

“C’mon let’s go get a drink and find the others!” Roger said loudly to John, shouting over the noise of the music.

Without thinking, John reached out to grasp Roger’s wrist tightly, uncomfortably aware of how overcrowded the club was. He felt himself grow warmer as he realised what he had done, but found he didn’t regret it when Roger glanced down at his hand and smiled.

Pulling him along, Roger walked effortlessly through the crowd and eventually made his way over to the bar, surprisingly not having to wait long before ordering drinks. John released his grip on Roger’s wrist to take a quick sip of his beer, looking around to see if he could spot Brian and Freddie.

Eventually, Roger spotted them, mostly due to the unmistakable silhouette of Brian’s hair, sitting in a booth. 

“You both took your time”, Brian remarked loudly when Roger and John arrived in front of them, causing Freddie to chuckle slightly.

“Whatever, we’re here now” Roger replied, sliding into the small booth.

Sitting down in the only available space, John found himself pressed closely against Roger’s side, the booth not very accommodating for the four people. 

“Well, let’s get straight to it then, to Queen!” Freddie declared, holding up his glass of straight vodka, inviting the rest of them to join in.

“To Queen!” they all called out.

After their toast, they all quickly started to animatedly talk about what had happened over the past year, from their performance on Top of the Pops to the success of their third album. They discussed how their lives would change now that they had a new manager named John Reid, who had expressed a belief in the band, telling them confidently that their next album would be the best they ever made. 

At one point after several drinks, Freddie, joined by Roger, stood up on the seating of the booth to deliver an impromptu performance of Killer Queen, leaving Brian and John laughing in delight as a member of staff tried in vain to get the two men to sit down. 

Although he hadn’t drunk enough to be fully intoxicated, John had started to feel slightly buzzed from the beer he was drinking and as he looked around the table at the faces of his friends, he couldn’t help but feel happy. 

However, he also noticed that the more he drank, the more he became aware of the feeling of Roger pressed up against his side, the feeling of his leather jacket as it moved across John’s arm. At one point, Roger had turned to John and had whispered a joke in his ear, causing John to feel the other man’s lips brush against his skin. This small touch had resulted in goosebumps appearing all over John’s body.

Eventually at some point in the night, Freddie had found the allure of the music too much to resist, causing him to grab Roger, the person in the group who was most likely to dance with him, towards the dance floor. Roger gave John a quick grin as he was pulled away from John’s side in the booth.

Whilst the other two danced, John and Brian remained in the booth, not drunk enough to dance yet, and had a lengthy conversation about their plans for the rest of the summer. At one point, John got up to leave, shouting across to Brian, “I’m just going to the bathroom!,” prompting the other man to respond with a cheerful thumbs up.

Leaving the booth, John attempted to make his way through the crowd, awkwardly dodging the people dancing around him and mumbling an apology every time he accidentally elbowed someone in their side. He looked around to see if he could spot Roger and Freddie on the dance floor, but found he couldn’t see them in the overcrowded room. 

John was quick inside in the bathroom, feeling an eagerness to return back to his friends. However, when he got back to their booth, John realised it was empty. 

He picked up his drink from the table and lifted his head to try and see anything from where he was stood. Although the booth provided a clear view of the dance floor, John found he couldn’t see anything, unable to find where Brian had gone and unable to spot a familiar face. He quickly scanned the club, becoming uncomfortably agitated as he became more aware that he was stood alone in front of an empty booth. 

Eventually, John was able to spot Roger standing near the side of the dance floor, talking enthusiastically to a girl John had never seen before. John let out an loud sigh of relief and smiled brightly at the sight of the drummer. He took a quick sip of his drink, the alcohol giving him a rare burst of confidence, and started to make his way over, mentally warning himself not to blurt out how the blue lights hanging from the ceiling made Roger look ethereal. 

He was almost there when the brunette Roger was talking to leaned forward and placed her lips on Roger’s, pulling him forward by his leather jacket into what appeared to be a passionate kiss. 

John froze where he stood. Time seemed to slow and he was unable to move, watching as Roger responded to the kiss by placing his hands on both sides of the girl’s arms, seemingly deepening the kiss further. 

John felt the drink he was holding slip from his hand and land on the floor, splashing those in vicinity. He didn’t hear their annoyed outbursts, all John was aware of was the sudden pounding of his chest and the sickening feeling growing in his stomach.

Turning his gaze away from Roger, John felt like the room was spinning, the lights now creating an almost ominous atmosphere that made John feel lightheaded. He felt his chest getting tighter as he increasingly became more aware of the closeness of the people dancing around him. John frantically tried to find the exit, knowing that had to get himself out of there. He pushed himself forward when he saw the neon sign signalling the way out not far from where he was stood. 

He was almost there when he felt strong hands grab his shoulders and quickly turn him around. 

“John there you are! Sorry I was talking to somebody from my old class when you were gone” Brian said loudly, shouting over the pounding of the music.

Normally, John would feel relieved to see his friend’s reassuring curls, but at that moment John felt nothing but an eagerness to flee the man’s presence. He knew he must looked panicked when Brian’s relieved smile promptly vanished after a quick study of John’s face. 

Brian gently squeezed his hands where they were placed on John’s shoulders, leaning down to quietly say, “John, if it’s too much we can leave.”

“No no I just need to- I need a minute on my own. You stay here please. I don’t want to ruin your night. I’ll be fine I promise.” Without looking back or waiting to hear Brian’s reply, John hastily made his way to the exit. 

John knew that any minute longer with Brian and his naturally compassionate tone would have John revealing everything. Brian likely believed that John was being his usual self and had become overwhelmed with being in an overcrowded club. John didn’t want the other man finding out that he was desperately in love with Roger, knowing that it would ruin everything. 

At the exit, John urgently pushed open the door and felt the cold wind on his face as he finally made it outside. He had to get himself away before he could no longer hold back the reaction that he knew was rising. Without stopping, he quickly started moving away from the club and walked in the direction he hoped was the way back to the flat.

His legs felt heavy and the wind was blowing fiercely against his face but he forced himself to move faster. He could feel the tears burning in his eyes as the image of Roger with his lips pressed against someone else’s flashed in his mind. 

This wasn’t the first time in four years that John had seen Roger kiss someone else, so why was this time any different? He tried to force the scene out of his head and focused instead on his walk. He couldn’t start crying in the middle of the street where anyone could see him. He had to get home to the comfort of his own room, where he could be alone and think about how pathetic he was. He tried to ignore the rising panic in his chest and concentrated instead on the way his legs moved as he walked.

Eventually, John recognised the front door of the flat and he quickly put his key into the door with shaking hands. Once inside, he locked the door behind him and almost ran to his bedroom, tripping in his hastiness over a pair of heeled boots that had been left in the middle of the hallway. 

Finally, it was inside the safety of his own room that John leaned his forehead against his door and let out the tears that had been desperate to escape. The tears flowed down his face as John finally allowed himself to feel everything. 

_How could he be so stupid?_ Roger was never going to want to be with someone like him. Roger was the opposite of John in every possible way. He relished in a party atmosphere due to the fact that he actually enjoyed spending time with people. In comparison, John was useless, the possibility of him having a meaningful conversation with a stranger was almost laughable.

Roger probably left him at the club on purpose, knowing that if he stayed with John he’d be stuck with him all night. 

John could feel himself drawing in loud, panicked gasps and tried to bring himself to stop. Whilst the rest of the band was having fun, John was pathetically crying in the dark over somebody he could never have. 

Recalling back to the two girls at the start of the night, John realised that he would never be anything but completely and utterly _ordinary_ , and that was the real reason he would never be with Roger. 

Maybe that was why John was having such a strong reaction to the kiss, it wasn’t just seeing Roger kiss someone else, it was the fact that John had finally realised that he would never be good enough for someone like Roger. There was nothing about John that stood out. He realised in between sobs that he was embarrassed. He was embarrassed because he had hoped deep down that there was a slight chance Roger would one day have feelings for him in return. 

Breathing in and out, John eventually regained enough control over his breathing and lifted his forehead off his bedroom door. Wanting nothing more than to sleep, John took off his boots and slowly started to remove his clothes before getting into bed. He couldn’t even wear the right clothes for someone in a rock band, he reminded himself, as he removed the sequined shirt that Freddie had given him.

John slowly slipped under the covers and wiped the tears off his face. He didn’t know how long he laid there, thinking about the night and what it meant. He knew he’d have to act normal tomorrow. Now that he finally realised that all he would ever have was Roger’s friendship, John would accept it. The very thought of Roger not in his life was unquestionably unbearable. Now that John finally understood that Roger would never want him the way John desperately wanted him, John would abandon any attempt of revealing how much he loved him.

With that final resolution, John was quickly alarmed when he abruptly heard a gentle knock at his bedroom door. He’d been so preoccupied with his anguished thoughts that he hadn’t heard any of the other’s coming home.

“John?,” he heard an unmistakable voice whisper. 

_Please not you, not now_ , John thought desperately.

John heard a familiar creak as Roger slowly began to open his door, prompting John to quickly hide his face under the covers, hoping that from where he was stood all Roger would be able to see was John’s thick wave of hair.

“John?” Roger repeated. 

Knowing that Roger was unlikely to leave unless John responded in some way, John breathed in a deep breath and prayed that his voice wouldn’t reveal anything before he quietly whispered, “What is it Roger?”

He winced after he felt his voice crack upon uttering the other man’s name, silently hoping that Roger was too drunk to notice.

“Just seeing if you were okay, Brian said you left in a hurry,” John heard him quietly reply.

Roger didn’t sound too drunk, John noticed, the lack of the slow drawl which usually accompanied Roger’s voice when he was drunk was currently absent from the drummer’s speech.

“I’m fine really” John mumbled, pressing his face further against his pillow, “I’m just tired.” 

There was a brief pause as John waited in trepidation for Roger to leave, unaware from where he was hidden that the other man’s eyes were brimming with concern, his brow tight as if he was deeply contemplating his next words. 

Eventually, Roger finally whispered, “Okay well, goodnight John.”

Not lifting his head from the safety of his covers, knowing that the sight of the other man would ruin his resolve, John quickly responded with a brief, “Night,” letting out a deep sigh of relief when he eventually heard the closing of the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry!!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again, thank you for reading! :)

John awoke the next morning to the sound of knocking at his bedroom door.

 _Why does everybody keep knocking all of a sudden?_ , he thought begrudgingly.

Opening his eyes slowly, the brightness of the room making him squint, John groggily rubbed his face with his hands and noticed that his eyes felt sore, which he knew was no doubt due to crying himself to sleep last night. 

Before he answered to whoever was at the door, John quickly composed himself and remembered that for the rest of the day, he had to act completely normal. Knowing he’d eventually have to provide an explanation as to why he’d left the club so abruptly, he mentally decided to pretend as if he’d become tired and overcome by the atmosphere of the club. It wasn’t entirely hard to believe in John’s case, after all. 

“Who is it?” he finally called out, grimacing at how croaky his voice sounded.

John felt an unexpected combination of both relief and disappointment upon seeing a distinctive head of brown curls, instead of the dark blonde hair he’d been expecting, as Brian slowly peered his head around the door with a small smile.

“Just me.” Brian said gently from where he was stood in the doorway, “I was wondering if you wanted me to make you anything to eat, if you’re hungry. You’ve been asleep a while.”

The tender and almost hesitant tone Brian was using, and his rare offer to make him breakfast, was enough for John to realise that the other man was at some point going to try and speak to him about why he ran away last night. John knew he’d have to do his very best to convince Brian, who was extremely attentive, that he was fine.

Lifting his head off his pillow and sitting up, John gave Brian a smile he hoped was perceived as being enthusiastic and answered, “Thanks Brian. I’m starving, give me a sec to wake up properly and I’ll be right there.”

“I’ll put you in some toast,” Brian smiled, before turning to leave.

“Don’t burn it!,” John retorted with a lighthearted smile. John hoped that his small reference to the time Freddie had almost burnt down the flat, in an attempt to make everybody breakfast, helped in his endeavour at convincing Brian he was in a good mood. 

“Burn your toast? Who do you think you’re talking to?” Brian teasingly replied, before shutting the door.

John instantly dropped his body back down onto his mattress after seeing the door shut and intently stared at his ceiling. 

_Act normal_ , John repeated to himself. He could do this. Even though last night he’d become aware that the person he’d loved for four years would never love him back, that didn’t mean John could act differently. 

Besides, he had no intention any more of ever letting anyone find out about how he felt. He didn’t think he’d able to stand it, the pitying looks he'd undoubtedly receive from his bandmates as they silently wondered how John had allowed himself to fall in love with Roger of all people. 

No, John couldn’t let that happen. Roger was never his to begin with, he reminded himself, he had no reason to be upset.

With that reasoning, John purposefully dragged himself away from the comfort of his bed and after getting dressed to make himself look more presentable, walked determinedly towards his door. 

However, before he left to join his bandmates, whose voices he could distinctly hear in the kitchen, John stopped to take a minute to compose himself. With his hand rested on the door handle, he breathed in a deep breath, feeling nauseous with apprehension. Knowing it would look suspicious the longer he stayed in his room, John eventually opened his door with trepidation and walked hesitantly through the small hallway leading to the kitchen.

“There you are Sleeping Beauty!” Freddie suddenly greeted from the kitchen table, as John stood in the doorway trying to control his nerves. 

Tentatively, John walked into the room and discreetly glanced around, noticing with slight relief that Brian and Freddie were the only ones in the kitchen, a certain drummer nowhere to be seen. 

“Morning Fred” John replied, giving Freddie a small smile. 

After returning the sentiment, Freddie nodded his head towards the chair next to him at the table, pulling the chair out and inviting John to join him. 

“How are you today dear?” Freddie asked after John had sat down, his hand reaching across to gently squeeze John’s arm reassuringly. 

“Probably better than you’re feeling Fred”, John chuckled. He had always appreciated how Freddie’s presence made him feel calmer and reassured somehow. It had been that way since John had first joined the band, and he was grateful to the older man.

“Don’t remind me” Freddie replied, rubbing his forehead with his hand.

“You should of left with me and Roger then instead of strolling in at five in the morning” Brian interjected from where he was stood beside the toaster, spreading jam onto some toast for John.

 _Roger and Brian left together?_ John wondered how long they had left after him. He couldn’t help but wonder about how long Roger had stayed with the girl he had kissed.

“But I was having too much fun Brian, dear. I mean you should of seen the size of-”

“Fred, me and John really don’t want to hear this” Brian groaned, before joining the two men at the table, placing a plate of toast in front of John as he sat down.

“Thanks Brian” John gratefully replied.

“Actually, I was going to say the size of the free bottles of champagne I was being given,” Freddie replied with a smirk on his face, “Besides Brian, we all know our little Deaky is far from innocent. Do I need to remind you dear?”

John quickly felt his cheeks grow hotter as he knew the inevitable was coming. Freddie, unable to lose the smirk on his face, got up from his chair and opened his mouth to loudly start singing the lyrics from the first composition that John had written for the band. 

_“Don't you misfire, fill me up, with the desire to carry on.”_

During this performance, Freddie danced around the kitchen and the adjoining living room, his dance including several exaggerated hand gestures that were aimed in John’s direction, causing Brian to snort with laughter. 

After he had finally ceased his singing, which left him groaning due to the pain radiating in his forehead, Freddie threw himself into the chair in the living room and glanced at John, his smirk changing into a proud and satisfied smile. 

“Aren’t you supposed to be hungover?” John mumbled, leaning his head down on the table, aware that his cheeks were probably redder than the strawberry jam that Brian had spread on his toast for him.

“You never did tell us what inspired you to write such a masterpiece John,” a distinctive voice suddenly interjected from the hallway.

John instantly felt his body tense up, the high sound of Roger’s voice catching him off guard. He was glad he was currently leaning his head on the table, feeling his face fall as a wave of panic hit him.

 _Act normal_ , he repeated to himself, quickly composing himself. 

Lifting his head up slowly, John looked towards the door to look at Roger for the first time since the events of last night. At first glance, the drummer had a mischievous look on his face as he smiled brightly at John, waiting expectantly for the bassist’s reply. 

However, the instant John looked into the other man’s eyes, he couldn’t stop himself from visualising the scene from the club. He visualised the way the unfamiliar girl had grabbed onto Roger’s leather jacket, the way Roger had grabbed the girl’s arms to deepen the kiss. Feeling his heart begin to race, John quickly tore his gaze away from the drummer, without realising that he’d forgotten to return the other man’s smile. 

Luckily, John was spared from providing Roger with a verbal response as Brian, who was fighting the urge to smile, amusedly cut in, “Alright guys, let’s leave John alone.”

 _Thank fuck for Brian May_ , John thought internally, quickly beginning to eat his toast to distract himself from his own thoughts. This proved to be difficult, as the person he was trying to get out of his head was now walking over to sit at the table beside him, in the seat that Freddie had previously vacated. 

Out of the corner of his eye, John watched anxiously as Roger sat down next to him, his face turned slightly in John’s direction. John didn’t turn his head to return the other man’s stare, but forced himself to keep looking down at his plate and continue eating despite the nervous feeling in his stomach. 

He tried to listen attentively to the conversation that Brian and Freddie were currently having, about how Freddie was leaving to visit parents and his sister later on in the day. John felt his stomach drop as he saw Roger lean in to talk to him out of the corner of his eye.

“How are you this morning?” Roger said gently, speaking discreetly to John alone.

“I’m fine, how are you Roger?” John replied politely in the happiest tone he could muster, forcing a smile on his face despite still being unable to return the man’s stare. 

“I’m alright, me and Brian didn’t leave that long after you last night I don’t think” Roger replied quietly before continuing,“I’m glad you’re okay though.”

John was surprised that Roger hadn’t stayed longer at the club. _Why had he come back so soon?_ It was unusual for the drummer to leave early, especially considering the company he was with when John had last seen him. John thought about how mortified he would have been if the other man had come back slightly earlier. What would Roger have thought if he had found John sobbing over him?

“You’ve got jam on your face” Roger said suddenly, pulling John out of his thoughts.

In the corner of his eye, John saw Roger slowly lift up his hand to reach out towards John’s face. Without thinking, John quickly flinched away from the touch, not trusting himself to be able to control his reaction if he felt the other man’s skin on his.

“Thanks” John mumbled, wiping his face with his own hand, not seeing the way the man sat next to him was frowning.

Before John and Roger could continue their conversation, Brian suddenly ended his discussion with Freddie and turned towards John at the table.

“John, do you remember how I ran into one of my old friends at the club last night?” Brian asked.

John nodded, relieved to be focusing on something else. 

“Yeah well he asked me if I’d try to go and watch one of his gigs tonight,” Brian tilted his head slightly to the side before continuing, “Well actually he asked if we’d all go to be honest, I think to show us off to his mates a bit.”

“All of us?” John asked tentatively. He was beginning to think that for self preservation, it would be wise to distance himself from Roger for a little while, certainly not for long, but enough time that he’d actually be able to look at the other man.

“Not me, dear,” Freddie cut in, before Brian could continue.

“Well Fred’s already going to visit his parents and Kash tonight, he’s staying over so it will just be three of us, if you and Rog say yes.”

John was conflicted. He’d promised he’d act normal and Brian would be there, so it wouldn’t be him and Roger alone, but did he really want to put himself through another night like the previous one? 

Likely seeing the look on John’s face, Brian continued, “I kind of owe him, it’s a long story but I promise, it's just a small gig at the college so it won’t be a heavy night, especially considering I’m going home to see the family the morning after.”

John wished that like Freddie, he’d be going home to visit his family tonight too.

“I’ll come Bri, can’t let you represent the band by yourself now can I?” Roger said enthusiastically from where he was sat next to John.

“Cheers Rog” Brian grinned, before glancing back to John and softly saying, “You don’t have come if you don’t want to, really.”

John debated his options. If he said no, that would likely ruin his current facade of attempting to act normal and it would further prove to Brian and the others that he was not fine. Also, looking at the guitarist's face, John felt increasingly guilty as he thought about how he would be disappointing the other man if he said no. 

Therefore, it was that thought that John reluctantly replied, “I’ll come,” much to the delight of his fellow bandmates.

* * *

  
After hearing several songs at the gig, stood in a crowd of mostly students, John had decided that the band currently playing weren’t bad. 

He actually found himself enjoying the soft vocal range of the lead singer, and observed that the young people around him seemed to be enjoying it as well. John watched the band’s bassist with silent approval, noticing the way the red haired man used similar techniques to him when he played himself. 

However, John couldn’t help but pick up on the way the band’s drummer kept falling out of rhythm, causing the rest of the band to shake their heads with frustration. It made John feel lucky, knowing that he was in a band with someone like Roger, whose passion for drumming made him an expert at his profession. Roger’s dedication towards his playing was breathtaking, and it was just one of the several things that John loved about him.

 _You shouldn’t be thinking about that_ , John quickly reminded himself, focusing instead on the band currently playing. 

He didn’t voice his observation about the band’s drummer to Roger, mostly due to the fact that John had spent the entire night discretely trying to avoid being alone with the other man. 

On the way to the gig, Brian had enthusiastically provided enough conversation between the three of them, telling them in detail about his friendship with Dave, who was the guitarist for the band they had come to see. John had listened intently, but was increasingly distracted whenever Roger had accidentally brushed up against his side as they walked. 

When the three of them had entered the building, John had tripped over the stairs leading down to the gig, causing Roger to place his hand gently on the small of John’s back to steady him. John had recoiled in shock, the feeling of Roger’s hand making him feel an instant wave of a desire so strong, he had to forcefully remind himself that he couldn’t feel that way towards Roger anymore.

Therefore, for the rest of the night, John had subconsciously found himself gravitating towards Brian, who was currently stood in the middle between him and Roger, unknowingly providing John with a barrier. 

John had closely stood by Brian’s side all night, following the older man whenever he went to the bar to buy another drink and standing by his side when he ran into an old friend. Brian hadn’t said anything about his closeness, so John believed he wasn’t being too obvious with his behaviour. 

Truthfully, John was afraid of what would happen if he was alone with Roger, afraid of what he’d see if he looked into the other man’s eyes again. John was also afraid that Roger would look into his eyes and see the anguish there, be able to see somehow that only last night John had finally realised the painful reality, that his affections would never be returned.

He realised that acting normal was harder than he initially thought. How could he act normal when he needed to forget the past four years? He wasn’t going to avoid the other man forever. He just needed time to get accustomed to the fact that he couldn’t love Roger anymore, not in the way he wanted. 

Eventually, when the band had finally finished their show and had begun putting away their instruments, Brian had turned to John and leaned down to ask, “John, please could you go get me another a drink whilst Rog and I quickly go say hi to Dave?”

Slightly perplexed as to why Brian didn’t want him to greet his friend also, John had agreed to the man’s request and was stood alone at the bar ordering Brian’s drink, wondering if this would be the last of the night, when he felt someone gently tap his shoulder.

Turning around, John was greeted with the grinning face of the band’s bassist, who had his slender hand outstretched and was looking at John ecstatically, his red hair flat due to the sweat on his forehead.

“I’m Richard” the man greeted, “Thank you for coming to see us.”

John reached out to shake Richard’s hand, finding himself returning the man’s infectious grin.

“John” he greeted.

“Oh I know” the other bassist answered, shaking John’s hand up and down rather enthusiastically.

“You do?” John replied, feeling amused as the other man finally released his hand.

“Sorry it’s just- me and my girlfriend were at The Rainbow last year and Liar?”, Richard raised his eyebrows and looked at John with awe, “You basically made that song your own.”

“Thank you” John replied, looking down at the rather sticky floor sheepishly, not used to accepting compliments from complete strangers.

“No really, I only play bass for a hobby but you?,” Richard shook his head in disbelief, “You’re the real deal.”

John felt himself flush at the compliment and eager to change the subject, he politely replied, “You guys were good.”

Richard laughed slightly before answering, “Yeah but we’re no Queen.”

“You never know” John replied with a smile, “We started off playing in places like this.” 

“Yeah but our drummer is no Roger Taylor, and I’m no John Deacon.” Richard grinned, “But it’s okay, we know who we are and that this is as good as it’s going to get. To be honest, I think Dave asked Brian to get you guys to come just so he could show off that he knows you, not that I blame him.”

John laughed slightly, surprised at the realisation that he was actually enjoying the conversation with the other bassist. They quickly discovered that they both had a mutual admiration of disco music and without realising he’d forgotten to get Brian’s drink, John found himself moving to sit at a table to continue to talk to his new acquaintance. 

John found himself genuinely laughing with the other man, finding his cheerful personality easy to feel at ease with. Also, he was undoubtedly pleased that Richard in return seemed to find John equally interesting and amusing, at one point the other man had laughed so hard at something John had said he ending up gripping the table to steady himself. 

They talked about personal topics, including a detailed account into how Richard was currently living at a flat with his girlfriend, who often screamed at him for playing into the early hours of the night. When the conversation ultimately turned towards John’s own relationship status, he felt himself shrink into his seat with discomfort.

“No, I’m not with anyone” John mumbled, his fingers circling the rim of his glass nervously.

“Is there no one you want to be with then?” Richard inquired, genuinely curious.

John, without looking over to where Roger was stood across the room, found himself admitting out loud and confessing to a total stranger, “Yes, but they’ll never want me back.”

“That’s bollocks” Richard cut in, shaking his head in disbelief. “Trust me, anyone who’s seen you perform live would want you. Mate, even I want you” he said teasingly, nudging John’s arm with his shoulder, his voice softening slightly as continued, “You should tell them though, they might surprise you.”

Although John wished he’d be able to believe the other man’s words, he was resigned to what he knew, that his feelings would always be unrequited. He gave the other man a small smile in gratitude, and was about to respond when he suddenly heard Brian interject, “Nice to see you again John.”

John was surprised to realise that he’d been so deeply focused on his current conversation, he was unaware that Brian and Roger had walked over to stand in front of his table. 

Upon seeing the curly haired man again, John instantly remembered that he’d forgotten to get Brian his drink. He quickly scanned Brian’s face to see if there was any sign of annoyance, but was relieved when he saw that the guitarist only had an amused smile on his face.

“Brian and I are leaving, if you want to come with us” Roger declared, his sharp tone instantly catching John’s attention.

Before John built up the courage to look at Roger, Richard quickly cut in, “Oh well- it was nice to meet you John, and you two as well I guess”, he nodded in Brian and Roger’s direction politely, before turning back to glance at John, “We should meet up again sometime, just let me know when.”

Smiling at the man, John sincerely replied, “I will, it was nice meeting you.”

“Remember what I said, and trust me when I say that there is no one who can play bass as good as you,” Richard finished teasingly, grinning at John and bringing up his hand to squeeze his shoulder gently.

“I tell him that all the time” Roger said suddenly, “He just never believes me when I say it.”

“Well he should” Richard replied happily, unbeknownst to the drummer’s irritated tone and unaware of the slight look of bewilderment that had appeared on John’s face.

“It was nice meeting you” Brian said politely to the bassist, his gaze scrutinising Roger’s face as the drummer glared intensely at Richard’s hand where it was rested on John’s shoulder. 

“Let’s go guys” Brian stated, placing his hand on Roger’s back to guide him to the door.

John gave Richard a final goodbye before turning to follow his bandmates out of the door.

* * *

  
The journey back to the flat was nothing but awkward, as Roger seemed to want to spend the journey back in silence, leaving John and Brian reflecting on the gig alone. John described to Brian how he had enjoyed the vocal performance of the lead singer, and ultimately felt glad that he had agreed to come. 

However, John was silently baffled at the behaviour of Roger, as upon arriving back at the flat, he had stormed towards his bedroom and had slammed his door without a word of good night to his two bandmates.

“What’s up with him?” John mumbled quietly to Brian, glancing at Roger’s door with curiosity. 

“You’re better asking him” Brian gently replied, before turning to John, “I’m glad you enjoyed yourself, and I’ll see you in the morning before I leave okay?” 

“Night Brian” John replied warmly, before the two left each other to enter their own rooms for the night.

In his bedroom, John continued to reflect on the gig, fondly thinking about the conversation he had with Richard. It was rare that John was able to have a meaningful conversation with those he didn’t know, and he found that talking to the other bassist had left him with a contented feeling in his stomach.

Walking over to his wardrobe, John found his thoughts inevitably drifting towards Roger, and the man’s puzzling behaviour at the end of the night. John was pondering this behaviour when he suddenly jumped with surprise upon hearing his bedroom door opening rapidly, the familiar creak instantly prompting him to turn around.

He was alarmed when he was faced with the sight of Roger determinedly striding into his room.

“Have I done something to piss you off?” Roger asked sharply as he walked over to stand in front of John, shutting the door behind him with a resounding slam.

“What do you mean?” John asked tentatively, bewildered at the sudden appearance of the other man. He wondered if Brian would be able to hear them.

“John do you really think I haven’t noticed the way you’ve been acting around me all day?” Roger retorted.

 _Shit._ Feeling his heart begin to pound, John couldn’t help but avoid returning Roger’s intense stare, nervously choosing to look at the drummer’s hands instead, observing the way they were tightly clenched.

“You’re doing it now. Why won’t you look at me?” Roger asked, his irate tone changing into one of urgency. 

John felt his chest clench painfully, aware of the sound of his own heart pounding in his ears.

It was the urgency in Roger’s voice that led to John lifting up his eyes, feeling himself release a breath of air he hadn’t realised he’d been holding when he finally looked into Roger’s eyes, seeing them stare straight back at him. John didn’t visualise the other man kissing anyone else, all John was aware of in that moment was Roger himself.

“I’m looking at you” John replied resolutely, his stare fixed intently on Roger’s face.

“Please tell me what’s wrong” Roger whispered. 

John felt his heart begin to pound even faster when the other man stepped forward, bringing himself closer to John.

His eyes searching John’s face, Roger continued, “I mean- I even got an earful from Brian tonight asking what I’d done to piss you off.”

That explained why Brian had asked him to get him a drink, John noted, he probably wanted to speak to the drummer on his own. So much for John not being obvious. 

“I’m sorry” John whispered, feeling utterly stupid for his behaviour towards the other man.

It wasn’t Roger’s fault that John was in love with him. It was useless thinking it was a good idea to avoid Roger, as looking into the other man’s face, John realised that avoiding him wasn’t going to suddenly remove any of the feelings he felt. 

“You haven’t pissed me off Roger I promise” John continued, desperate for the other man to believe him, “I’ve just been tired since we got back. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel like you’d done something wrong.”

“Are you sure?” Roger asked, “There’s nothing you want to tell me?”

_I love you. I love you so much._

“No” John whispered as he looked into the man’s eyes, feeling his heart break slightly.

“Okay” Roger whispered back, his tone unconvinced at the bassist’s response. “So we’re good?” he continued.

“We’re good Roger” John replied, forcing himself to smile slightly.

After a brief pause, Roger eventually returned his smile and John couldn’t tear his gaze away from the other man’s mouth, watching the way the drummer licked his lips before he began to speak.

“It’s just the two of us tomorrow.”

“I know” John answered, well aware that Brian and Freddie would both be away visiting their parents, leaving him and Roger alone.

“Do you want to do something, just the two of us?” Roger asked tentatively, his request causing John to almost stop breathing.

“Sounds good” John replied, already nervous at the prospect of spending an entire day alone with Roger.

“Great,” Roger grinned brightly at John before taking a step backwards towards the door, “I’ll let you sleep”, he continued happily, his mood a stark contrast to when he had first entered the room.

“I’m sorry,” John couldn’t stop himself from saying again, before Roger opened the door to leave.

“And I’m sorry for barging in” Roger grinned, his hand on the door handle, “See you tomorrow”, he said quietly.

“Tomorrow” John replied, smiling to himself as he watched the other man leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this chapter wasn't that good, I wrote most of it after working a really shit shift at work and this was the result. Please let me know what you thought in the comments and thank you again :)


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning, John was feeling so nervous for the day ahead with Roger that he barely hears when Brian attempts to say goodbye to him.

“John?” Brian asked, waving his hand in front of the younger man’s face.

Blinking in surprise, John looked up from where he sat on the sofa to see the guitarist looking down at him amusedly.

“I’m going now” Brian continued, lifting up his hands to show John the bags he was carrying.

Embarrassed at being caught so distracted, John quickly got up to help Brian carry his belongings to the front door.

“Tell your mum and dad I said hello” John said with a smile, stopping to open the door for the other man.

“I will,” Brian grinned.

Before he walked out of the door, Brian suddenly stopped and turned around to glance at John with a serious expression on his face.

“Was everything okay between you and Rog last night?” he said cautiously, scrutinising John’s face for any sign of a reaction.

“Everything’s fine between the two of us” John instantly replied, determined to reassure the other man before he left. 

Attempting to remove the look of concern on Brian’s face, John continued, “We’re- we’re actually meant to be doing something together today.”

Although John had spent the majority of the night tossing and turning in bed, unable to sleep due to the anticipation of spending the day with Roger, he tried to appear casual when informing Brian of the plan for the day.

“Oh! That’s great!” Brian beamed at John enthusiastically before saying, “I tried to say goodbye to him before I left but he told me to fuck off for waking up him so early.” 

John laughed slightly as Brian continued, “So good luck, I hope you both have a good day.”

John desperately hoped they did also.

After the guitarist had left, John anxiously returned to the living room, sitting in silence as he continued to contemplate what would happen during the day. 

Earlier in the morning when it was still dark out, John had left his bedroom after realising that his attempts at sleep were useless. After the events of the previous night, John found he couldn’t stop himself from agonising over the various thoughts running through his head. 

After making the mistake of thinking that it was a good idea to avoid Roger, John nervously contemplated about how he should behave around the drummer from now on. He knew now that he would never be able to truly suppress his feelings, and concluded that he’d have to try harder at attempting to control his emotions around the other man.

Trying to calm his nerves, John reminded himself that in Roger’s mind, today would just be two friends simply spending the day together. The two of them probably wouldn’t be doing anything too substantial, therefore John had no reason to be so nervous. 

Besides, John reminded himself, this was _Roger_ he would be alone with. He wasn’t spending time with a complete stranger, this was a friend that he had spent almost every day with for the past four years. Ignoring the events of the past few days, John tried to remind himself of this fact as he forced himself off the sofa to go and get dressed for the day. 

He purposely tried to avoid spending a long time fretting over what to wear, quickly settling on a casual shirt and his usual flared trousers. As he would be spending the day with his _friend_ , he reminded himself, he had no reason to be deeply concerned about his appearance. 

After getting dressed, John pulled open his bedroom door and was immediately faced with the sight of Roger on the other side, his hand raised up in a fist as if he was about to knock on the door.

“Morning” Roger grinned with amusement, letting his hand fall back down to his side.

Looking at the drummer’s leather jacket and at the sunglasses perched on his head, John thought how unfair it was that Roger always managed to look effortlessly handsome, even when he wasn’t even trying.

“You haven’t eaten anything yet have you?” Roger continued, before John could respond to his first greeting.

John shook his head. _How could he eat with the constant fluttering in his stomach?_

“Great, we’ll go somewhere to eat” Roger said happily as he motioned to the front door with a nod of his head, “Are you ready?”

“Yeah I’m ready, eating sounds good” John awkwardly replied, hoping that he didn’t sound as nervous as he felt. 

When they left the flat and began walking down the street, John was glad that it was slightly windy as the cold air hitting his face instantly felt soothing.

“I didn’t sleep that well last night” Roger said, his arms swinging at his sides as he walked.

 _That makes two of us_ , John thought.

“Brian did say you gave him a friendly farewell” John replied amusedly, instantly trying to ignore how it felt when his hand lightly brushed against Roger’s as they walked side by side.

“Shit I forgot about that” Roger chuckled slightly, taking a brief pause before continuing, “So should we go to the usual place at Kensington-”

As Roger suddenly cut off in the middle of his sentence, John curiously turned to look at the other man and saw that the drummer had stopped walking and was stood standing in the street with a dazed look on his face.

“Have you ever seen anything so beautiful?” Roger said breathlessly, a look of admiration on his face.

“What?” John asked, looking around the street to try and recognise what had captured the drummer’s attention so ardently.

“Look at you” Roger whispered, his eyes wide with awe as he spoke directly to whoever had caught his eye.

John felt his face fall in dismay. He did _not_ want to have to spend the rest of the day listening to Roger speak about how attractive he found someone else. 

Feeling slightly disgruntled, John crossed his arms over his chest and turned his head away from Roger, not wanting the other man to see the small frown that had appeared on his face. 

“Yeah they look nice” John mumbled as he stared impatiently at the pavement, waiting for the drummer to carry on walking. He didn’t even bother with looking up and having a quick glance at whoever Roger was speaking so passionately about. 

“Nice? Look at the wheels John!” Roger replied, outraged at the bassist’s lack of enthusiasm. 

_Wheels?_

Slightly confused, John looked up and followed the drummer’s stare, finding his gaze eventually fall on a white Alfa Romeo that was parked up on the side of the road.

“You’re- you’re talking about a car” John said in disbelief, watching as the drummer walked over to stand closer to the vehicle.

“John this isn’t just a car” Roger replied, slowly running his hand over the roof of the Romeo as he spoke, “This is- this is a machine of dreams,” he concluded.

John couldn’t hold back the burst of laughter that escaped him after he had processed the reality of the situation.

“You should write that down” John breathed out before continuing, “Really, it’s truly poetic stuff Roger.”

Watching with amusement as the drummer kneeled down to inspect the car’s wheels more closely, John couldn’t resist from teasing, “Should I leave you two alone so you can get better acquainted?”

“One day” Roger declared with conviction, “One day John, this will be mine.”

“The way things are going with the band maybe sooner than you think” John replied with an endeared smile, now waiting patiently whilst the drummer made his keen observations.

“Oi! What do you think you’re doing!”

John turned his head in the direction of the loud and unexpected voice, instantly becoming alarmed upon seeing an extremely muscular man coming out of a building, a furious expression on his face as he looked at where John and Roger were stood directly next to the car. 

“Get away from my car!” 

John looked down to where Roger was kneeling with his hands rested on the side of the car, a startled expression on his face. Quickly looking back over to the rapidly approaching car owner, John observed that one of the man’s arms were bigger than both of John’s put together. 

Therefore, it was that observation that prompted John to immediately start running in the opposite direction.

Despite hearing the continued shouts from the owner and having to dodge several startled people, John found himself grinning as he sprinted down the street, his long hair blowing fiercely in the wind behind him. He could hear Roger laughing loudly as he ran after John, and it was the drummer’s excited laughter that had John feeling slightly exhilarated.

Eventually, once assured he was a safe distance away, John stopped running and leaned against the wall to catch his breath. John considered the absurdity of the situation and found that his cheeks were aching from smiling so much.

“Did you see the size of that guy?” Roger breathed out as he caught up to John, turning to look at him with a look of incredulity, “You left me!”

“I’m sorry” John laughed, watching as the drummer leaned breathlessly against the wall next to him, “But I couldn’t let myself be killed because of your infatuation for a car.”

“So you’d rather let me be killed then?” Roger replied, his beaming grin betraying any sign of actual annoyance.

“Exactly” John grinned back with glee, chuckling slightly as the other man gently pushed him on his shoulder. 

“I see how it is,” Roger shook his head with disbelief, his hand still rested on John's shoulder as they both took a moment to try and get their breath back.

“C’mon” Roger said eventually, squeezing John’s shoulder slightly, “We deserve to eat after all that running.”

* * *

  
After their near escape, they ended up going to a small cafe that Roger had regularly visited in the past, due to it not being far from the former stall he and Freddie had run at Kensington Market. 

John watched as the staff in the cafe immediately recognised the drummer, coming over to give him an enthusiastic welcome. John felt embarrassed and slightly pleased when they welcomed him as well, shaking his hand and congratulating him for his role in the band’s success. 

Although he was feeling slightly more relaxed as opposed to how he had felt earlier in the morning, John couldn’t help but feel the familiar fluttering in his stomach as he and Roger sat down on opposite sides of the table. 

John felt vulnerable as he anxiously thought about the intimacy of being sat directly faced in front of the drummer, unable to look anywhere except at Roger’s face. After their food had arrived, John tried to mask his internal panic and focused instead on appearing calm. 

However, this proved to be difficult when the conversation they were currently having, about a show they had played in Japan, changed when Roger started to ask John about the gig they’d been to the previous night. 

“So did you enjoy the gig, I never actually asked you did I?” Roger asked casually before going on to say, “You were talking to that bassist weren’t you, what was he called again?”

“Richard” John replied before shoving some scrambled egg in his mouth, grateful that he had food in front of him to distract himself.

“So what did you both talk about?,” Roger said conversationally whilst taking a bite out of his toast.

“Just about music mostly.” John swallowed some more of his eggs before tentatively telling the drummer, “He told me I was good at The Rainbow gig last year.”

Roger nodded and swallowed slightly before saying, “Rick was right.”

“Richard” John corrected automatically.

After a brief pause, due to the both of them taking their time to eat, Roger suddenly asked, “Did you believe him then?”

Recalling back to the two nights playing at the Rainbow and thinking about the way the crowd had responded to the band, John concluded, “We all did a good show.” 

“Yeah but do you believe that _you_ were good?”

Shifting in his chair nervously at the drummer’s tone, John shrugged and replied tentatively, “I was okay, I guess.”

John looked up when he heard Roger huff under his breath. The drummer had stopped eating and was looking at him with a stare filled with an intensity that had John swallowing anxiously. 

“John, you were better than okay. I should know, I’m the one who gets to watch you at every show we play.”

At the drummer’s words, John instantly visualised Roger playing on stage, forcefully banging his drums with his gaze on John alone. Feeling his entire body begin to warm, John tried to remove the image from his head as he reminded himself of who exactly was sat across from him.

He forced himself to look up and smile at the other man when he quietly replied, “Thanks Roger.”

“Maybe I’ll get you to believe it one day” Roger continued in a gentle tone, smiling back at the man fondly.

“So” Roger continued whilst beginning to eat again, “Have you got any ideas for the album yet or are you going to wait till we get to Rockfield?” 

John instantly felt relieved at the change of topic. The subject of Rockfield provided a useful distraction for John as it prompted a long discussion between the two men. 

Now that he had started to write his own compositions, John was genuinely excited about going to the recording studio in the countryside when the summer was over. He hoped that the peaceful scenery would provide him with inspiration as at the moment, the only thing he was inspired to write songs about was the person currently sat in front of him.

* * *

  
“I’m not wearing that!” 

“Why not?”

“It’s sheer Roger!”

After they had finished at the cafe, Roger had expressed a desire to go to Kensington Market to see what had changed since he and Freddie had closed their stall. They were currently stood looking at some rather extravagant clothes and Roger was holding up a sheer black shirt that had John blushing at the thought of wearing it.

“Can you imagine _me_ wearing that on stage?” John asked in amusement, picturing the disgusted looks he’d likely receive from the audience. 

“Why do you think I’m telling you to buy it?”

Although John knew that the drummer was only teasing him, he still felt his heart skip a beat at the other man’s words.

“You’d be getting all the attention” Roger continued whilst holding up the shirt to John’s chest, trying and failing to convince the younger man with a grin on his face. 

“Not from anyone who matters” John mumbled without thinking, quickly turning his face away from where Roger was stood holding up the shirt.

Trying to appear distracted, John was looking at some shirts more suited to his style when Roger asked, “So a definite no to the sheer shirt?”

Laughing slightly, John retorted, “You should get it.”

Holding the shirt to his own chest Roger agreed, “You’re right, I need all the help I can get.” 

“You don’t need any help Roger” John replied amusedly. With the painful memory from the club in mind, John couldn’t stop himself from continuing, “Just look at what happened the other night.”

“What do you mean?” Roger had finally put down the shirt and was looking at John curiously.

Aware of the man’s gaze on him, John replied nervously, “You know- that night in the club when you were kissing that girl, the one with brown hair.”

Roger scrunched up his face in what appeared to be confusion, before he eventually had a look of recognition on his face.

“Oh! You mean the girl who kissed me on the dance floor and I had to push her off?”

“What?” John asked, feeling bewildered.

“Yeah we were talking about something or other I can’t remember- and she got the wrong idea” Roger said casually whilst picking up a red velvet shirt, unbeknownst to the look of sudden shock on the bassist’s face. 

“She did apologise straight after for it though” he continued.

Slowly trying to process the drummer’s words, John asked tentatively, “So you- you didn’t want to kiss her back then?” 

Roger shook his head, “No she was really lovely but-” he cut off abruptly. 

Roger was scrutinising and running his hands over the shirt in his hands as if it was the most fascinating piece of clothing in the entire market. 

“But what?” John practically whispered, suddenly desperate for the other man to speak and tell him the reason.

“She wasn’t the one I wanted to kiss that night.” 

After his admission, Roger eventually looked up from the shirt he was holding to glance at John nervously. 

“Oh” John simply replied, his thoughts and feelings all over the place.

_Who had Roger wanted to kiss?_

John tried to remember who Roger had met that night. Maybe it was one of the two girls they had met outside the club, or maybe he’d met someone whilst he and Freddie were on the dance floor. Whoever it was, John couldn’t help but envy them.

Feeling Roger’s eyes still on him, John changed the subject and pointed to the velvet shirt in the drummer’s hands. 

“You should get that, it will look good on you.”

Roger blinked and shook his head slightly as if he was coming out of a daze, before continuing the conversation as if his admission had never happened. 

After Roger eventually ended up buying the shirt, they spent time slowly walking around the different stalls. Occasionally, Roger would end up leaning closer to John to tell him embarrassing facts about certain stall owners, who upon seeing the drummer, tried to act like they hadn’t noticed him. To John and Roger’s delight, they found their own record, but were deeply amused when the old man running the particular stall refused to believe that it was theirs, despite their picture clearly being on the front. 

Whilst they were walking around, John silently tried to process what he’d been told. 

He was conflicted.

He couldn’t deny that he felt relieved learning that the drummer didn’t want to kiss the girl at the club. He felt ridiculously stupid though, thinking about how he’d misunderstood the situation and had left in a panic before he had got to see Roger stop the kiss.

 _What would've happened if he had stayed?_ Recalling back to the drummer’s earlier words, John thought resentfully about how he would of had to watch the drummer kiss someone else anyway. No matter what the situation, John would never get the chance to be with Roger. The drummer’s admission changed absolutely nothing.

But throughout the day, whenever Roger turned to smile brightly at him and leaned closer to speak only to him, John thought that if he always got to see the other man like this, he would take what he could get and feel satisfied.

* * *

  
“It’s meant to be fucking summer!” Roger called out in disbelief.

After they had spent time practically stopping to examine every stall in the market, they had come outside to have a smoke when they saw that it was raining so heavily it was bouncing off the pavement. They decided to wait and see if it would stop, but John knew from the darkness of the clouds in the sky that it would be unlikely.

“We’ll have to get a taxi back” Roger said in disgust, watching from where they were both stood standing under shelter.

“Roger do you see any taxis around here?” John pointed out, amused at the expression on the other man’s face.

After ignoring John and looking around in the hope of spotting a taxi, Roger eventually gave up and threw his leather jacket over his head as he and John found themselves running for a second time that day.

“This is why I need a car!” Roger shouted over the noise of the rain.

They were both completely drenched within just a few minutes, but John felt almost contented running through the rain with Roger, listening with amusement as the drummer repeatedly cursed under his breath. The rain was so heavy that it hurt when it hit his shoulders, but John was too preoccupied to notice the pain due to simply enjoying being with the disgruntled man running next to him.

John found that he was actually disappointed when they eventually got back to their flat. Even though he was soaking wet and his clothes were saturated, John reluctantly followed the drummer when he eagerly ran inside the flat to get out of the rain.

John was locking the front door when he suddenly heard a high shriek of surprise from behind him. Turning around, John watched helplessly as Roger slipped on the floor in the hallway, landing unceremoniously onto his side with a loud thud.

“Are you okay?” John quickly asked with concern.

As Roger sat up to look up at him, John instantly tried to suppress his amusement as he slowly observed the look of indignation on the drummer’s face, his drenched clothing and his soaking wet hair hanging at his shoulders making him look like a dejected child.

Feeling endeared at Roger’s slightly pitiful appearance, and thinking more about high pitched sound the drummer had made when he had slipped, John eventually couldn’t fight the small giggle that escaped his throat.

“Oh you think it’s funny do you?” Roger said from where he was sat on the floor, his cheeks beginning to flush as he was subjected to the bassist’s laughter.

Distracted by his own amusement, John was unaware of Roger swiftly reaching out to grab his ankle, eventually pulling him and causing him to slide ungraciously to the ground next to Roger. Whilst falling, John let out an involuntary hiss of pain as he accidentally bumped his head against the wall on his way down.

“Shit- I’m sorry” Roger said instantly, all traces of amusement gone as he crawled over to kneel beside the younger man, who was leaning with his head back against the wall, his face scrunched up in pain.

“It’s fine” John chuckled with his eyes closed, distracted from the pain due to still feeling slightly exhilarated from their run in the rain.

John felt his laughter immediately cease in his throat when he felt a warm hand at the side of his head. Opening his eyes at the sudden touch, the air seemed to change and John felt his breath hitch when he realised how close Roger was to him. 

He was so close that John could feel the other’s man breath on his neck, could see the individual drops of rain falling from his blonde hair.

“Are you okay?” Roger said quietly, his hand moving slightly as he tenderly felt across John’s head for any sign of injury.

“I’m fine” John breathed out, unable to concentrate on anything but the feeling of Roger’s hand as it gently ran through his hair.

John thought he would stop breathing when Roger suddenly brought his hand down to the side of his face, his thumb slowly brushing away the drops of rain still on John’s cheeks.

John swallowed deeply, the drummer’s touch making him feel as though his skin was on fire. The only sound in the room was their breathing and John could only look into the other man’s eyes, feeling trapped by the intensity of his gaze.

“John” Roger whispered, his thumb still stroking the side of John’s face, “I need to tell you something.”

“What?” John whispered back breathlessly, his heart pounding with anticipation.

Roger moved his hand to John’s chin to gently tilt his head up slightly, and John felt his eyes grow wide when Roger slowly began to lean forward, bringing his face even closer to John's. 

Unable to comprehend what was happening, John couldn’t stop himself from leaning forward in return, he could just feel the other man’s breath on his lips when suddenly the front door flung open, and he and Roger jumped apart as if they had both been electrocuted.

“Why are you both sitting on the floor?” Freddie greeted amusedly when he entered the flat, dropping his wet bags by the door.

For the first time in his life, John felt truly disappointed to see the singer.

Trying to catch his breath and calm the pounding of his heart, John replied, “We- we fell.”

“At the same time?” Freddie chuckled, stepping over John and Roger’s legs to enter the living room.

Without glancing at the man sat next him, John quickly got up and followed Freddie, trying to appear casual although he felt as though his heart were leaping out of his chest. 

“Why are you back so early?” Roger suddenly spoke, his voice sounding slightly breathless.

“I’ve written the most wonderful song!” Freddie declared whilst sitting down, “I had to get back to finish it properly.”

“And you couldn’t do that at home?” Roger questioned, raising his eyebrows.

“One would think you want to get rid of me dear” Freddie retorted, looking up to glance at Roger and John curiously.

“How are your family Freddie?” John quickly asked, desperate to change the subject.

He tried to listen intently when Freddie began to tell him about his short visit home, and how he had got the inspiration for a song whilst he was lazing around the house. John attempted to appear deeply interested in the conversation, despite his thoughts inevitably drifting to what had just happened in the hallway.

Whilst Freddie was speaking, John couldn’t help but sneak a glance in Roger’s direction, feeling himself flush when he saw the drummer returning his stare.

Although it seemed completely ridiculous to John, there was one thing that he was absolutely sure of. He couldn’t believe he was actually thinking it but there was no denying it.

He wasn’t the only one who had leaned forward. 

John was unable to stop thinking that if Freddie hadn’t arrived when he did, Roger would have kissed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason, I could _not_ get Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy out of my head whilst writing this. I'd randomly start singing certain parts of the song out loud without even realising I was doing it.
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading and I hope it's okay, please let me know what you thought! :)


	5. Chapter 5

For the past few hours, John had silently been analysing what had happened with Roger in the hallway, up to the point that his head had now begun to throb uncomfortably.

Still dressed in his now damp clothes, John was sat in the living room listening to Roger and Freddie discuss Freddie’s new song when he finally decided to himself that he had to choose between two possible options.

Option one, he could pretend like the near kiss with Roger had never happened. 

John wouldn’t ignore the drummer personally, he’d already done that, instead he’d simply behave like he hadn’t been an inch away from fulfilling his four year fantasy of feeling Roger’s lips against his.

Option two, the one John was most frightened of, would be to actually _talk_ to Roger about what had happened and tell the other man how he felt. 

On the floor together in the hallway, there was no doubt in John’s mind that Roger fully intended to kiss him.

_He_ was even the one who had leaned in first, John reminded himself. And what exactly had Roger wanted to tell him before their lips had almost touched? 

With all these questions running through his mind, John knew he needed to talk to Roger if he wanted to avoid having another sleepless night.

However, though option two seemed the most plausible, John was _terrified_ at the prospect of speaking to Roger alone. 

To John, it seemed as though everything that had happened over the past few days (even the last four years) had been leading up to this conversation. If Roger wanted to kiss John, then surely that meant he liked him? And if Roger liked him… 

John couldn’t comprehend the very thought of it. The small possibility of the drummer wanting him back seemed like an impossible dream. _But_ , if there was even a slight chance, then shouldn’t John at least try and speak to Roger and find out? Didn’t John owe it to himself to finally know if there was ever a chance at being with him?

With a combination of both determination and terror coursing through every bone in his body, John decided that he would speak to Roger and tell him everything.

However, with the two of them still sat in the living room with Freddie, getting Roger on his own without raising the singer’s suspicion would be difficult. 

If tonight was the night John was finally going to have this conversation with Roger, he had to do it the right way. 

If he’d somehow misunderstood the scene in the hallway and Roger didn’t actually mean to kiss him, John couldn’t let Freddie overhear and find out that John had thought it was actually possible in the first place. 

Ignoring that fact that the pain in his head was getting more intense, John decided that he’d have to go to Roger’s room when Freddie was asleep. Later in the night would be the only chance that John would have at speaking to the drummer privately.

With his plan in mind, John found he couldn’t sit any longer staring at Roger from across the room, unable to talk to him properly. 

Therefore, John rose determinedly from the sofa and fixed his eyes on Roger specifically, desperately hoping that the drummer somehow realised that John was trying to send him a silent message.

Gazing at the drummer intensely, John cleared his throat, ignoring the ache he felt at the back of his throat, and announced to his bandmates, “I’m going to my room now.” 

When Roger glanced his way, John observed the way the drummer’s hair was starting to curl slightly in reaction to the rain. Feeling himself smile fondly at the sight, John hoped that the other man would be able to tell just how much John wanted to talk to him.

“Night dear” Freddie called out.

“Bye Fred” John replied, not looking over at the singer in fear of breaking his gaze with the drummer.

“Night John,” Roger murmured, smiling softly at the bassist.

Returning the drummer’s smile, John nodded his head but didn’t say anything in response, not wanting Roger to think that he had any intention of actually going to sleep.

* * *

  
When John left his two bandmates and entered his own room, he realised with annoyance that he felt exhausted.

He knew he could _not_ allow himself to fall asleep. 

All he had to do was wait and listen for Freddie to enter his own room, which was luckily the room next to John’s.

John lay down on his bed, purposely not changing out of his clothes, knowing that if he got into comfier clothing he would want to fall asleep even more.

He was _not_ going to sleep.

Ignoring the pain in his head and the dryness of his eyes, John tried to focus on the way Roger had looked when he had knelt beside John in the hallway. Smiling at the memory, John thought about the drummer’s breath on his skin, he thought about the way the rain had looked as it ran slowly down Roger’s cheeks.

John blinked and tried to fight his falling eyelids, focusing instead on the memory, using it as motivation for what he was going to say to Roger later on.

John couldn’t just blurt out he loved him straight away, he’d have to ease his way into it.

Suddenly whilst he was thinking, John felt a sharp pain in his head and closed his eyes with a wince, waiting for the sudden sensation to fade so he could carry on contemplating what he would say to Roger when he went to speak to him.

John thought that if he rested his eyes for a while, maybe that would ease the headache a little...

* * *

  
John awoke some time after, still in the clothes he’d worn during the day, and noticed with panic that it was darker inside his room. 

He lifted his head and squinted at the small clock at the side of his bed, cursing loudly upon seeing that it was four a.m, meaning that he’d ultimately ruined everything as Roger would be asleep by now and would likely murder anyone that woke him.

Wincing with discomfort, John quickly became aware that his head now felt like it had been repeatedly hit with a hammer, that his throat throbbed painfully as if he’d swallowed several shards of broken glass. 

Frustrated, John slowly got up to change out of his clothes and instantly froze when he felt a strong wave of nausea, that combined with the pain in his head, forced him to sit back down with a groan. 

Mostly likely, his sleepless nights had finally caught up to him, and him feeling awful was the final result.

Knowing that it would be useless to do anything now at this time in the night, John eventually got changed, hoping that he’d feel better in the morning so that he’d be able to talk to Roger properly.

Promising that the first thing he would do when he woke up would be to go to Roger, John curled under his covers, not having to wait long before falling asleep again.

* * *

  
“John are you leaving your room- oh you look dreadful.” 

Due to Freddie marching unannounced into his room, John woke up suddenly and lifted his head in alarm at the intrusion, only to be left groaning due to the pain in his head making him feel dizzy. 

“I feel like it too Fred” John groaned out, flopping back down onto his pillow with a wince. 

Quickly becoming aware that it was now bright inside his room, John groaned at the realisation that he didn’t know what time it was or how long he’d been asleep, but he remarkably still felt _exhausted_. He knew that leaving his bed right now, even to use the bathroom, would be a monumental challenge. 

From where he lay, he watched with squinted eyes as Freddie walked over to sit on the side of his bed, a concerned look on the singer’s face as he observed the way John was frowning. 

Lifting up the back of his hand to gently press against John’s forehead, Freddie quickly observed, “You’re rather hot dear.”

“Thank you” John grinned wearily, the coldness of Freddie’s fingers nearly making him moan with relief.

Chuckling before removing his hand, Freddie mumbled to himself, “Roger will be relieved.”

“Why would he be relieved that I’m not feeling well?” John said with puzzlement, wondering if he had heard the singer wrong.

“He’s been mumbling about you not coming out of your room. I think- maybe he thinks that you’ve been in here all morning to avoid him.”

John cursed loudly in frustration.

He groaned and lifted his hands to rub his pounding forehead, feeling exasperated that the drummer was thinking exactly what John didn’t want him to think in the first place.

“I’m not avoiding him” John sharply replied, instantly regretting his harsh tone as he was frustrated with himself rather than at the singer.

After a brief pause, Freddie watching curiously as John struggled to contain his anger, Freddie eventually asked, “Does this have anything to do with what I interrupted yesterday?” 

“You didn’t interrupt anything” John mumbled back, irritated with himself that he couldn’t do anything right. He couldn’t lean forward and kiss Roger quick enough, couldn’t even go to speak to him last night without falling asleep like a child.

“You know I spoke to Brian over the phone the night I left for home” Freddie said tentatively, choosing his words carefully, “He seemed to think that you and Roger were acting off with each other.”

Getting more annoyed at himself and with the entire conversation, John groaned with frustration and turned onto his other side, turning his face away from the singer.

“Freddie, I can’t do this right now.”

John had only _just_ last night decided to finally speak to Roger, the rest of his bandmates were a completely different story. He didn’t think he was ready to speak with Freddie or Brian about how he felt towards Roger, scared of them treating him any differently if they found out. 

John was furious with himself as he didn’t have the courage to speak to his two closest friends, even though he _knew_ deep down he could trust them completely. 

The more irritated John got, the more noticeable was his headache and he was starting to become more aware of the nausea in his stomach every time he breathed. He felt exhaustion running through every part of his body and wanted nothing more than to fall asleep so he didn’t have to think anymore.

Due to the quietness of his room, John remembered that he was not currently alone due to hearing the soft breathing from the man sat silently behind him. 

“John you know that I’m your friend don’t you?” Freddie asked in a soft tone, finally breaking the silence.

“Of course I know that Fred.” 

Feeling his eyes begin to sting, John clenched his eyes shut, desperately hoping that the singer would leave so that he could sleep and be alone.

“Then you know you can always talk to me?”

When John didn’t respond, not trusting his own voice, Freddie continued, “John dear, at this point there’s really _nothing_ you could ever do or say that would make me think of you any differently.”

In response to the bassist’s prolonged silence, Freddie sighed and lifted his hand to John’s shoulder, uttering sadly to John’s back, “I just wish you knew that.”

John swallowed the lump in his throat as the singer’s words made his chest tighten. He realised he believed it when he replied softly, “I do know Fred.”

Freddie gave John’s shoulder a gentle squeeze, before eventually sliding off John’s bed and uttering on his way out, “I’ll get you some water and find something for your headache.” 

“Thanks” John whispered as he left, overwhelmed at the unexpected conversation.

John knew how lucky he was to have the friends that he did, he just hoped that one day he’d be able to prove just how much he actually appreciated them. Maybe, he’d eventually be brave enough to confide in them without feeling so afraid.

He waited anxiously for the singer to return, feeling pitiful as he lay curled up under his covers.

“So this is what happens when you run home in the rain.”

Expecting Freddie, John lifted his head in surprise at the unexpected voice and was left groaning again as his head protested at his rapid movement.

However, John was distracted from the pain when he saw that Roger was stood in his doorway, holding a glass of water with a look of concern on his face. 

The moment he finally laid his tired eyes on the drummer, John felt all the tension slowly leave his body, only left with an overwhelming feeling of want for the other man to be closer to him.

“Freddie said you needed this” Roger continued with a hesitant smile, walking over to place the glass of water on John’s bedside table.

John had so much he wanted to say, if only he knew where to begin.

With the drummer stood beside his bed, John wished that he was in a more dignified position instead of being buried under his duvet, his hair mostly likely in a state of disarray.

“We should have got a taxi” Roger said quietly, looking down at John sadly.

“It’s just a headache” John replied softly, a small smile on his face as he noticed with amusement that Roger was looking at him as though he was on his deathbed.

Roger ran his hand through his hair and chuckled slightly before commenting, “Still, you look tired.” 

Nodding his head towards the glass of water, he continued, “You should drink all of that. I’ll let you sleep.”

The younger man felt his eyes grow wide with panic as Roger suddenly turned to leave.

“No” John croaked out, bringing his hand out from under the covers to reach over and grab Roger’s wrist. 

Dignified or not, the thought of Roger leaving right now was unbearable, “Stay. Please.”

Roger glanced down to where John was gripping his wrist tightly, desperate for the drummer to remain where he was. John watched anxiously as Roger swallowed deeply before looking back to John’s face again.

“Okay” Roger whispered.

Letting out an audible sigh of relief, John released his hold on the drummer and closed his eyes, trying to slow his erratic heartbeat. When Roger suddenly tapped his shoulder, John opened his eyes again to see the drummer staring down at him.

“Move up a bit” Roger whispered, indicating with a nod of his head to the space left in the bed.

His chest tightening at the implication, John shifted slightly to the side, trying not to gasp out loud when he feels the bed dip when Roger climbs under the covers next to him. 

John was frantically trying to stop thinking about the fact that he had frequently imagined what it would be like to be in bed with Roger.

He eventually settled on his back, laying uncomfortably on the edge of the bed and staring at his ceiling. His bed wasn’t very accommodating for two people, so John was conscious of his current closeness to the drummer, feeling the warmth radiating from the man lay beside him.

Sneaking a glance in the corner of his eye, John could see that Roger was leaning against the headboard and was looking at John with an amused smile.

“I don’t bite you know” Roger chuckled quietly.

His heart pounding, John glanced over and saw that Roger had his arm raised, silently inviting John to move closer.

Maybe it was because he wasn’t feeling well, but John found he didn’t hesitate when accepting the drummer’s offer, feeling the other man’s arm slip around his shoulders as he shuffled closer and settled his head against Roger’s chest.

John knew that he was probably breathing too loud, the feeling of Roger’s arm and being pressed against the man's chest overwhelming him. He could hear the drummer’s heart, and John desperately concentrated on the sound to try and calm his own erratic heartbeat.

Laying in comfortable silence, John thought about what Freddie had said, how Roger was worried that John was avoiding him. With his face currently hidden against Roger’s chest, John felt braver somehow and knew that this was his chance to talk to the drummer.

“I’m sorry” John eventually said, biting his lip nervously. 

“For being ill?” Roger chuckled, moving his hand to John’s head. 

John felt his scalp tingle when Roger ran his fingers through his hair.

He fought back a pleased moan when Roger began to massage his head, the feeling instantly making him more relaxed. He could feel his eyes growing heavier as Roger’s hands moved, but he repressed the feeling and cleared his throat to carry on speaking.

“No, Fred said you thought I was avoiding you but I-”

“John, we really don’t have to talk about this now” Roger interrupted softly, rubbing his fingers at the nape of John’s neck.

“No we- we do,” John slurred slightly at the feeling and blinked fiercely to stop his eyes from closing, “I was going to come to your room last night to talk but I- I fell asleep.”

With his face pressed against the drummer’s chest, John felt when Roger began to laugh, feeling his chest rise and fall gently.

“It’s fine” Roger chuckled slightly, his voice getting softer, “John, I’m not going anywhere. We can talk after you’ve slept, okay?”

“Okay” John murmured in defeat, resigned to the fact that he was being lulled to sleep by the drummer’s touch. 

John finally closed his eyes and listened contently to the rise and fall of Roger’s breathing, losing himself in the feeling of Roger’s hands as they moved through his hair. 

The pain in his head nearly forgotten, John would feel satisfied if he never moved from where he was with his head listening to the drummer’s heartbeat. He could talk to the drummer when he woke up again and everything would hopefully work out.

John was on the brink of falling asleep when he suddenly felt a warm press of lips brushing against his forehead.

“You really have no idea” Roger whispered, seemingly unaware that the man against his chest was still awake.

John’s last thought before drifting off was that he must already be dreaming.

* * *

  
When John woke up again, he quickly noticed with disappointment that he was alone in his bed. 

Looking wearily at the time, he saw with astonishment that it was late in the afternoon, meaning that he’d essentially slept the whole day. He reached over to drink all of the water that was still on the table and was pleased upon realising that his headache was much less noticeable. He felt uncomfortably hungry now though, having not eaten anything all day.

He found his thoughts inevitably drifting towards Roger, finding himself flush as he thought about how he had fallen asleep practically clinging to the other man.

He remembered the whispered words before he had fallen asleep, the feeling of lips pressing softly against his forehead. It couldn’t have been a dream, the touch had felt too real, too breathtaking. 

Roger had said that they would talk after he had slept. 

John knew that he _needed_ to talk to Roger. He couldn’t handle it anymore. He was almost certain that Roger wanted him back now, he just had to do something about it. 

John was tired of being _scared_ all the time. He wanted to be brave for once.

Finally getting up from his bed, John felt dizzy as he stood up for the first time that day. Before he spoke to Roger once and for all, he wanted to at least look like he hadn’t been sleeping all day. Therefore, he took a moment to steady himself before leaving his room and going straight to the bathroom.

After brushing his teeth and throwing cold water over his face, John looked at himself critically in the mirror, noticing his wide eyes and the look of pure terror fixed upon his face. 

Breathing in and out, John tried to remind himself that this was Roger, the person John had been in love with for years, all the way back to his very first audition.

John remembered how after he had performed his last song for the band, Brian had simply told him that they would be in touch. But as John was leaving, thinking that he’d played wrong somehow, Roger had gripped his shoulders and had confidently whispered into his ear, _“You’re the missing piece we’ve been waiting for John.”_

That was the moment John had realised that he was in trouble. He smiled fondly at the memory and used it as motivation to calm down.

Recalling back to how softly Roger had kissed him on his forehead earlier, John looked at his reflection one last time, breathing deeply before finally turning to leave the bathroom. 

He could hear the radio playing in the living room, and hoping that it was Roger, John followed the music.

He could hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears as he walked into the living room, breathing deeply upon seeing Roger stood in the kitchen with his back to John.

Shaking slightly, John licked his lips before softly calling out the drummer’s name. Roger turned in surprise, a grin on his face when he saw that John was stood by the door. 

“You’re awake! I was making you something to eat,” Roger beamed and pointed proudly towards whatever he was making. 

John’s felt his chest ache painfully with longing, feeling endeared as he observed the satisfied grin on the drummer’s face.

“Freddie’s gone out” Roger continued casually, turning back to his cooking.

 _They were alone._

At this realisation, John ignored the fluttering in his stomach and moved to stand closer to Roger, listening as the drummer continued, “He told me to make sure you was-”

Upon glancing around to see John now standing behind him, Roger cut off suddenly and turned to face the younger man directly. 

Finally looking into Roger’s eyes, John felt the terror leave his body, leaving him only with his overwhelming feelings of want.

“How are you feeling?” Roger whispered, his gaze falling to John’s lips.

Instead of answering, unable to find the words, John couldn’t stop himself from raising his shaking hand to brush his fingertips along Roger’s cheek. He felt goosebumps rise on his arms as he touched the drummer’s warm skin, watching silently as Roger’s eyes widened with surprise.

With his heart pounding, John reminded himself to be brave and leaned forward, watching for any signs of protest, before finally closing his eyes and pressing his lips softly against Roger’s.

John hesitantly brushed his lips against the other man’s, feeling as though his heart would burst when he feels the warm softness of the drummer’s lips. When he feels Roger gasp against his mouth he pulls back, terrified that he’d made a mistake after all. 

But Roger immediately grips him by the waist and pulls him back, frantically pressing his mouth back to John’s with a groan. 

John inhales sharply when Roger presses his mouth more firmly against his, the force of the kiss nearly making John fall backwards. He feels desperately overwhelmed but presses back just as enthusiastically, in shock at how the kiss had suddenly changed from a soft caress to something hungrier, the kind of kiss that made John feel dizzy.

Roger’s hands were gripping him tightly at his waist and it should have been painful, but all John felt was a frantic desperation to be closer to the other man. He moved his hand from Roger's cheek to the side of his neck, feeling as the drummer breathed heavily underneath his hand. 

When he feels Roger’s tongue brush against his bottom lip, as though asking for permission, John tries not to moan loudly before he willingly obliges, feeling himself grow warmer when the kiss deepens even further. 

He lifts his other hand to grab at the drummer’s arm, needing something to cling to. He feels himself tremble when Roger’s hands move from his waist to cup his face, his thumb brushing the line of John’s jaw. 

John couldn’t stop himself from whimpering slightly when he suddenly felt a sharp pain in his head. He tried not to moan with disappointment when he feels Roger pull away from him.

“I’m sorry” Roger breathed out with his forehead pressed against John’s, “You’re still in pain.”

John shook his head frantically against the man’s forehead, “I’ve never been better.” 

John felt like he was floating on air. 

Feeling the happiest he’d been for a while, he was almost afraid to open his eyes again in case he was still in bed and this was just a dream.

When he finally opened his eyes again, he saw that Roger was staring back at him, smiling at John with slightly swollen lips. 

John grinned back at the man, in a state of disbelief that _he_ had made the drummer look like that, _he_ was reason the drummer was breathing so heavily. 

“We should talk” Roger whispered eventually, his words making John’s chest clench with anticipation.

“Talk” John nodded breathlessly. That had been his intention in the first place.

Roger quickly pecked John’s lips, before grabbing his hand and pulling him over to the sofa so that they could sit down. 

“I don’t know where to begin” Roger murmured, smiling as he looked at where his and John’s hands were intertwined. 

John felt like he was tingling all over, this couldn’t be real, he couldn’t have just kissed Roger, couldn’t be about to tell the drummer that he had been in love with him for _years._

Swallowing deeply, feeling nervous when he thought about the significance of what he was about to say, John licked his lips before opening his mouth to say, “Roger I-”

John cut off suddenly when he realised that the air in the living room smelt different. Worryingly, it smelt _exactly_ like the time Freddie had almost burnt the flat down.

He looked curiously at Roger when asking, “Can you smell burning?” 

“Fuck!” Roger said with realisation, quickly getting up and running over to where he had been cooking.

John watched with amusement as Roger ran to the kitchen, laughing as the drummer cursed repeatedly under his breath when he realised that his efforts had been ruined.

John didn’t mind though. He didn’t think he’d be able to stop himself from smiling anytime soon. 

Although his head had begun to throb again and his stomach had started to ache with hunger, John couldn’t remember ever feeling so blissfully happy.

Roger had kissed him back, all they had to do now was talk.

And John knew the conversation would result in Roger finding out just how much John really loved him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and for leaving comments on the last chapter!
> 
> This chapter ended up being fluffier than I intended, hope you don't mind, the angst was killing me. Please let me know what you thought! If there's any mistakes I'm sorry! Again, thank you for reading this!


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